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[27 Dec 2003|02:04pm] |
sorry i haven't been around.
i've been in a hospital and when i got out, they said no internet. my father is being brainwashed.
they also took my cell phone away because i shaved my head.
poor impulse control...because i was bored and frustrated.
i'm miserable as fuck because i can't get my cell phone or the internet....
until tomorrow...
*Ash
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| she takes the pills to fall asleep |
[26 Nov 2003|02:12pm] |
i don't feel right today...something about me is different. i guess i'm laughing more than usual...but it's all just to hide my depression.
people think that i'm a very happy person...they also think i'm a pothead because of the things i say and when i laugh it's all pothead-like.
i just wish that they would understand me.
i feel so used.
my soon-to-be-wife [in 4 years], Lucy, OD'd on some sleeping pills and i was worried.... i told her that i'll call her mum and tell her to take her to a hospital to get her stomach pumped. turns out, Lucy tells her own mum and she calls back crying, "Just to let you know, I'm going to a hospital so if you call, I probably won't pick up." she was crying and she's probably in a mental intitution right now.
i feel like i did the right thing, right? i mean, i helped her...she's not dead...so it's good, right? right?
i'm sitting here typing this and thinking about all the times that i slashed up my arms, over my veins, in my veins, on my breasts, on my stomach, on my chest, on my hands, and bruised myself...and scratched myself...and cried myself to sleep. i should be in a mental institution right now, right? i mean...for fuck's sake, man...i do that same shit. i should be locked up too.
but i'm scared.
my plan is to become mute and never talk again.... drop out of high school when getting back from the hospital. i mean, i can just be there so that i won't have the option of grabbing my razors, right?
yeah...i'm sure you all don't care or anything...but i just wanted to let you know that i'm still alive barely.
god i feel dizzy....
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| Your Mouth Is Like An Open Sore |
[14 Nov 2003|08:25am] |
Well yeah Halloween was weird and shit 'cause Vic was fucked up and we made out...destroying her actual relationship with Caitlin.
but that lasted for a night only.
god i hate people who do that...break up and go back together.
it pisses me off.
my good friend, Mia, is really depressed. **sigh** i wish i could do something for her...but i can't.
her birthday is November 26th...imma get her some nice lesbian lovin' as a birthday present.
my ear itches.
yeah...not good--my arm is reall sore.
we all know that that implies. -.-
hum well i bes be getting my ass to school eventually....
my sister misses me being there at night when we would just lie in our beds and talk....
that makes me feel loved. :}
i moved because i wasn't getting along with my mum or sister...when really we just needed time apart.
i'm going to move back in and leave Walther Lutheran because that shit is too hard for me.... i'm failing like 4 classes.
but yeah...i should get going. ciao.
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[28 Oct 2003|01:15pm] |
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hum...what's new with me? Nothing.
all I know is that I keep hearing White Trash {father's girlfriend} repeat "You hate your life? Then why are you so fucking good at it?" over and over in my head.
hum.
Vic gave me a big hug and I was sitting down so my face smashed up against her boob. oh god I love her. She's so beautiful and doesn't get it. She thinks she's ugly... :\ when I know she's not.
I think imma go. bye.
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[24 Oct 2003|08:22am] |
yes, i'm alive.
Halloween, Vic and I are going over to Pixie's boyfriend's house...everyone hangs out there. Chances are there will be alcohol and weed and other drugs. I'm not going to be irresponsible, I'll just take enough to loosen me up.
What I'm scared of though is two things:
-Vic getting too drunk and starts hitting on someone/me, ruining her relationship with her actual girlfriend.
-Tom being there.
I wouldn't know what to do if I seen Tom. Of course I'll see him, he hangs out over there all the time. But...I'm afraid...we might get a little too close and blah blah blah.
Eh...
I need to be there so that Vic gets home safely.
I need to be responsible.
Yeah, me...responsible...
me...the one with cuts on her arms everyday.
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